adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Manny Teaches Minor-League Teammates About God's Son Who Was Nailed To Two Crossed Bats

SACRAMENTO, CA—Speaking reverently as he shared his newfound religious faith, Sacramento River Cats designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly taught his triple-A teammates Monday about God's only son, who gave his life for mankind when he was nailed to two crossed bats by a mean Roman umpire.

"God just had one son named Jesus and he was really nice and smiled all the time and performed miracles without using any steroids," said Ramirez, addressing players gathered in the River Cats' locker room. "When Jesus got too popular with the fans the bad commissioner had him arrested. But Jesus never ever did anything wrong, man."

"He was innocent but he didn't run away from the policemen, even though he was really fast and could easily turn a single into extra bases," Ramirez added. "He just let them nail his hands and feet to the crossed bats so he could die for our sins, like violating baseball's drug policy."

During batting practice, Ramirez assured the River Cats that God was happy with only one child, claiming that the divine being thought Jesus was the best son who ever lived.

"It wasn't because God was too old or didn't want any more kids, or had one of those special operations," Ramirez said. "I asked a guy in a priest uniform."

With the team still reeling from a 2-3 loss to the Fresno Grizzlies, Ramirez reportedly informed the River Cats that Jesus could calm a storm to prevent a rain delay or canceled game, heal a player on the DL with just spit and mud, and erase a 50-game suspension with the snap of his fingers.

"Jesus also talked real good and the words came out of his mouth perfectly, man," Ramirez said. "Anybody who heard his pep talk on the mound wanted to try and do their best at the plate."

"That's why the media always followed him around and made paintings of Jesus, because back then they didn't have good cameras," Ramirez added.

According to Ramirez, police seized Jesus at his special training table immediately after the "Last Team Dinner," when he was "probably still super full from having a lot to eat." Ramirez explained that Jesus was cruelly forced to wear a cap of thorns that was uncomfortable and so poorly constructed the prickly brim caused the Son of God's head to bleed and itch.

Ramirez told his teammates that Jesus, who forgives all people their fielding errors, had to walk through a sellout crowd and climb all the way to the top of the pitching mound while carrying the heavy wood baseball bats, a shovel, catcher's equipment, extra balls, and a metal toolbox filled with hammers and nails.

"Even though Jesus was a great person and always gave everybody a bunch of fish and bread for free, people in the crowd were taunting and booing him, because now they were rooting for a different religion or something," said Ramirez, adding that Jesus responded by saying confusing things about God that are hard to understand, but probably made sense to people from back in those days. "And Jesus didn't stop the grounds crew from nailing him to the two crossed bats or ask them to use pine tar instead so he would just stick to the wood."

"But the nails made holes right through his hands and his glove too," Ramirez continued. "If I was Jesus, I wouldn't have died on the crossed bats. I would have used my walking on water power to escape across a lake and then asked God to blow up the bad guys and all the dumb yelling people with lightning bolts."

Ramirez, who said that it "sucked that Jesus died on the bats," revealed to his teammates that Jesus was placed in a tomb, but came back to life three days later and was as good as ever. Ramirez confirmed that Jesus hung out with his friends for a while and then flew up to heaven, where he sat right next to God in His luxury box seats.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close