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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and dangerous over-consumption of alcohol was starting to become slightly unmanageable. "I understand having the compulsive need to drink nine cans of beer alone at night, but I'm beginning to think Brian should tone it down a bit," brother Kevin Roberts said. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a raging alcoholic on the weekends, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but being an out-of-control alcoholic every night? That's just not healthy." According to drinking buddy Mike Turner, Roberts' alcohol abuse has ruined numerous relationships of late, as he has started drinking himself to death at home instead of coming out to drink himself to death with friends.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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