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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and dangerous over-consumption of alcohol was starting to become slightly unmanageable. "I understand having the compulsive need to drink nine cans of beer alone at night, but I'm beginning to think Brian should tone it down a bit," brother Kevin Roberts said. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a raging alcoholic on the weekends, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but being an out-of-control alcoholic every night? That's just not healthy." According to drinking buddy Mike Turner, Roberts' alcohol abuse has ruined numerous relationships of late, as he has started drinking himself to death at home instead of coming out to drink himself to death with friends.

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