adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and dangerous over-consumption of alcohol was starting to become slightly unmanageable. "I understand having the compulsive need to drink nine cans of beer alone at night, but I'm beginning to think Brian should tone it down a bit," brother Kevin Roberts said. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a raging alcoholic on the weekends, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but being an out-of-control alcoholic every night? That's just not healthy." According to drinking buddy Mike Turner, Roberts' alcohol abuse has ruined numerous relationships of late, as he has started drinking himself to death at home instead of coming out to drink himself to death with friends.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close