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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal

NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000 to publish his Facebook status from 56 minutes ago, which reads, "In it to win it, suckas." "We're confident that In It To Win It, Suckas will be a huge success when it hits stores next summer," editorial director Edith Dalrymple said of the forthcoming hardcover, which will feature a 140-character forward by Shit My Dad Says author Justin Halpern. "The fact that Gerard's status already has six 'likes' and seven comments—only two of which are from him—tells us this property has a solid built-in audience." Dillow's book will be released just two weeks after the film IKEA QUEEN BED FRAME AND BOX SPRING!!!!!!!!!! REDUCED PRICE!!!!!!!, which was optioned from the popular Craigslist post.

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