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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness

CHICAGO—Competitors in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football league Super Bowl Shuffle expressed concern Thursday about the mental state of league member Evan Reeves, whose choice of team names over the past five years reportedly paints a picture of a man gradually descending into utter madness. “When we first started out a few years back, Evan just called his squad Butkus’ Dick, but his name choices these last few seasons have been increasingly unsettling,” fellow virtual manager Jay Steiner said of Reeves, 29, whose unhinged team names have since included “The Widening Gyre,” “What Does GOD Fear?” and “PLAGUEPLAGUEPLAGUEPL.” “I haven’t seen this guy since college, but judging from his behavior, he appears to be entering into some kind of bizarre state of irreversible derangement, all while actively participating in our friendly 12-team keeper league. It’s pretty disturbing to watch someone plunge into the darkest chasms of lunacy before your very eyes, plus all those Bible passages are really starting to clog up the message board.” As further evidence of Reeves’ ongoing slide into full-blown psychosis, Steiner noted that this year the deeply disturbed individual drafted Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in the first round.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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