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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness

CHICAGO—Competitors in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football league Super Bowl Shuffle expressed concern Thursday about the mental state of league member Evan Reeves, whose choice of team names over the past five years reportedly paints a picture of a man gradually descending into utter madness. “When we first started out a few years back, Evan just called his squad Butkus’ Dick, but his name choices these last few seasons have been increasingly unsettling,” fellow virtual manager Jay Steiner said of Reeves, 29, whose unhinged team names have since included “The Widening Gyre,” “What Does GOD Fear?” and “PLAGUEPLAGUEPLAGUEPL.” “I haven’t seen this guy since college, but judging from his behavior, he appears to be entering into some kind of bizarre state of irreversible derangement, all while actively participating in our friendly 12-team keeper league. It’s pretty disturbing to watch someone plunge into the darkest chasms of lunacy before your very eyes, plus all those Bible passages are really starting to clog up the message board.” As further evidence of Reeves’ ongoing slide into full-blown psychosis, Steiner noted that this year the deeply disturbed individual drafted Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in the first round.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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