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Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness

CHICAGO—Competitors in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football league Super Bowl Shuffle expressed concern Thursday about the mental state of league member Evan Reeves, whose choice of team names over the past five years reportedly paints a picture of a man gradually descending into utter madness. “When we first started out a few years back, Evan just called his squad Butkus’ Dick, but his name choices these last few seasons have been increasingly unsettling,” fellow virtual manager Jay Steiner said of Reeves, 29, whose unhinged team names have since included “The Widening Gyre,” “What Does GOD Fear?” and “PLAGUEPLAGUEPLAGUEPL.” “I haven’t seen this guy since college, but judging from his behavior, he appears to be entering into some kind of bizarre state of irreversible derangement, all while actively participating in our friendly 12-team keeper league. It’s pretty disturbing to watch someone plunge into the darkest chasms of lunacy before your very eyes, plus all those Bible passages are really starting to clog up the message board.” As further evidence of Reeves’ ongoing slide into full-blown psychosis, Steiner noted that this year the deeply disturbed individual drafted Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in the first round.

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