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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man’s Food Poisoning Could Realistically Be Traced Back To Any Meal From Past Week

NEW YORK—Determining that not one of his recent food selections was entirely above suspicion, local man Kevin Curhan said Thursday that his food poisoning could realistically be pinned on any meal from the past week. “I had that leftover burrito for lunch yesterday, and that’d been sitting around in the fridge for a pretty long time, but then again, the milk I had that morning was also kinda off,” said Curhan, adding that the food from the $4.99 Chinese buffet and the fried eggs he realized were undercooked but went ahead and ate anyway could also be responsible for the overpowering nausea he was currently experiencing. “Then there were those turkey cold cuts I had Tuesday that were a couple of days expired. Those have to be at least part of it, don’t they? There’s probably a few other things I’m not thinking of, too.” At press time, Curhan was comfortable removing only a bowl of plain oatmeal consumed last Saturday from his list of possible culprits.

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