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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man’s Food Poisoning Could Realistically Be Traced Back To Any Meal From Past Week

NEW YORK—Determining that not one of his recent food selections was entirely above suspicion, local man Kevin Curhan said Thursday that his food poisoning could realistically be pinned on any meal from the past week. “I had that leftover burrito for lunch yesterday, and that’d been sitting around in the fridge for a pretty long time, but then again, the milk I had that morning was also kinda off,” said Curhan, adding that the food from the $4.99 Chinese buffet and the fried eggs he realized were undercooked but went ahead and ate anyway could also be responsible for the overpowering nausea he was currently experiencing. “Then there were those turkey cold cuts I had Tuesday that were a couple of days expired. Those have to be at least part of it, don’t they? There’s probably a few other things I’m not thinking of, too.” At press time, Curhan was comfortable removing only a bowl of plain oatmeal consumed last Saturday from his list of possible culprits.

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