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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man’s Genetic Predisposition For Heart Disease No Match For 10 Half-Assed Push-Ups He Does Couple Times A Week

CHICAGO—Despite afflicting his father and numerous members of his extended family, local man Josh McCalister’s genetic predisposition for heart disease was no match for the 10 half-assed push-ups he does a couple of times a week, sources said Wednesday. “Three...four—ah, Christ—five,” McCalister, 38, said to himself, counting off the short set of poorly executed push-ups that were swiftly undoing the susceptibility to coronary artery disease and arrhythmia that was encoded in his very DNA. “Nine...almost there...nine and a half—agh, close enough—10!” Although the push-ups he currently performed already ensured that he would be spared the deadly disease that had been passed down unimpeded for generations, McCalister had reportedly vowed to get to 20 within the next six months.

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