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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Man’s Heart Stops As Speaker Asks Audience To Turn To Person Next To Them

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales director Mark Nellis reportedly felt his heart stop when a workshop speaker asked audience members to take a moment and turn to the person next to them. “Oh, God, she’s going to make me talk to this guy,” Nellis said to himself, appearing visibly agitated as he realized he would soon have to engage in an uncomfortable, wholly unnatural exchange with the stranger to his right, perhaps writing down a list of career goals or participating in some sort of management-oriented game. “What if I have to fill a whole five minutes sharing something unique about myself? Fuck. I just hope she doesn’t make us speak in front of the whole group about what we learned from each other.” At press time, sources confirmed a wave of panic appeared to wash over Nellis as the speaker told everyone to remember their exchange, as they would be returning to it later on.

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