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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man’s Heart Stops As Speaker Asks Audience To Turn To Person Next To Them

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales director Mark Nellis reportedly felt his heart stop when a workshop speaker asked audience members to take a moment and turn to the person next to them. “Oh, God, she’s going to make me talk to this guy,” Nellis said to himself, appearing visibly agitated as he realized he would soon have to engage in an uncomfortable, wholly unnatural exchange with the stranger to his right, perhaps writing down a list of career goals or participating in some sort of management-oriented game. “What if I have to fill a whole five minutes sharing something unique about myself? Fuck. I just hope she doesn’t make us speak in front of the whole group about what we learned from each other.” At press time, sources confirmed a wave of panic appeared to wash over Nellis as the speaker told everyone to remember their exchange, as they would be returning to it later on.

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