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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man’s Idea For Tweet Just Pops Into His Mind Almost Fully Formed

TRENTON, NJ—In an astonishing moment of creative inspiration, local Twitter user Chase Munson, 29, told reporters Monday that his latest idea for a tweet had simply popped into his head all at once, almost fully composed. “I was driving back from the store, and it just came to me out of nowhere, nearly word for word—the whole tweet!” said Munson, adding that the rapidly conceived-of tweet arrived in his mind complete with an appropriate hashtag and fell well within the social media site’s 140-character limit. “I mean, it was all there, the whole thing. A finished work. It was amazing.” At press time, sources confirmed Munson’s masterpiece had been “favorited” by two of his friends.

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