adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man's Insecurities Versatile Enough To Be Projected Onto Any Situation

RALEIGH, NC—Marvelling at how often he finds himself consumed by doubt and anxiety throughout the course of his day, local 32-year-old Ross Erickson told reporters Tuesday that his array of personal insecurities was versatile enough to be projected onto any type of situation. “Sure, my fears that I’m a fraud who won’t amount to anything and that I’m inherently unlikeable crop up in the usual places—like in my relationship or when I’m dealing with my parents—but what’s really remarkable is that they’re also adaptable enough to find their way into the most everyday situations, like interacting with strangers or even just thinking of speaking up in a work meeting,” said Erickson, noting that his exceptionally flexible worries could assume control and cause him to completely freeze up in scenarios as diverse as attending a friend’s barbecue, sharing an elevator with a coworker, or simply being in the presence of an attractive woman. “It doesn’t matter whether I’m thinking about something specific like a work deadline, or something more general like the future; all my personal fears always manage to seamlessly work their way into my thoughts. There’s really no limit as to when or where they can make me feel self-conscious and force me to analyze and obsess over every little detail involved.” At press time, Erickson was mentally berating himself, convinced he had given a terrible, embarrassing interview to reporters.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close