Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.
Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consistency.

Critics said the lax attention to detail and sloppy sequencing throughout Hammond's life range from sudden, unexpected changes in dress and facial hair to total reversals in personality that seem to contradict his previously established thoughts and desires.

"The whole thing is kind of a mess, frankly," observer Todd Westbrook, 45, said of Hammond's haphazardly plotted life. "If you look at it with a critical eye, none of it makes any sense. There's all these weird shifts in occupation and opinions and relationships, not to mention the weight gain and weight loss and weight gain again."

"One minute he's living with his parents, the next he has an apartment with some girlfriend who shows up out of nowhere, then all of a sudden he's crashing at a friend's place in a completely different city without any explanation." Westbrook continued. "It's just all over the place."

According to sources, Hammond's life began with a fairly conventional childhood, but quickly grew jumbled after his father abruptly disappeared and was replaced by a different man without any valid reasons offered for why the original father left in the first place.

During his teenage years, Hammond reportedly cycled wildly between appearances, attitudes, and interests that obviously contra≠dicted one another, and many have noted an apparent inconsistency in the chronology of his adolescence: While Hammond thoroughly expounds early on about the details of his first sexual encounter, the actual event occurs three years later, and under completely different circumstances than those he describes.

Since then, onlookers reported, events in Hammond's life have proceeded vaguely and clumsily, with long stretches in which it is impossible to tell what is even motivating him.

"At one point, he's in college studying anthropology and you think his life is going to be about that, but next thing you know, he's working full-time as a waiter," observer Richard Siegal said. "Then out of the blue you find out that what he really wants to do is get into marketing, and suddenly he's back in college again. It makes no sense."

"And there's the big speech he gives his parents about how his life's passion is for community organizing, but you never hear anything about that again," Siegal added. "It's like, why even introduce it in the first place?"

Sources also noted that, between the ages of 23 and 28, Hammond's life "meanders aim≠lessly," with incongruous jumps between the town where he grew up, odd jobs in Southern California, and a mysterious monthlong trip to Italy, leaving observers confused and unsure if Hammond's life will ever be resolved in an intelligible and satisfying way.

"I'm fine suspending my disbelief on some things, but a random five-year gap where nothing happens? No thanks," Jess Harnwell said. "And it's not some cool experimental thing, either. It's just dumb and poorly executed."

Sources who had been holding out hope for a steady love interest to come along have reportedly been disappointed as well, as the rotating cast of women in his life changes so frequently that there is barely any time to get to know or care about any of them, least of all the shallow Jennifer, who for no apparent reason keeps reentering the picture for brief sexual escapades.

"That best friend, Patrick, who's always showing up is pretty funny, but that's about the only interesting part," said Daniel Thomas, who claims he has "basically checked out" of keeping up with Hammond's life. "When you stack his life against someone else's, like Dayton, OH contractor Jim Edmandson, there's no comparison: That guy is born, he grows up, gets married, has kids, grows old, and dies; it's clear, easy to follow, and has some actual emotional resonance to it."

Added Thomas, "At this point, I'm just hoping it ends soon."