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Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

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Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.
Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consistency.

Critics said the lax attention to detail and sloppy sequencing throughout Hammond's life range from sudden, unexpected changes in dress and facial hair to total reversals in personality that seem to contradict his previously established thoughts and desires.

"The whole thing is kind of a mess, frankly," observer Todd Westbrook, 45, said of Hammond's haphazardly plotted life. "If you look at it with a critical eye, none of it makes any sense. There's all these weird shifts in occupation and opinions and relationships, not to mention the weight gain and weight loss and weight gain again."

"One minute he's living with his parents, the next he has an apartment with some girlfriend who shows up out of nowhere, then all of a sudden he's crashing at a friend's place in a completely different city without any explanation." Westbrook continued. "It's just all over the place."

According to sources, Hammond's life began with a fairly conventional childhood, but quickly grew jumbled after his father abruptly disappeared and was replaced by a different man without any valid reasons offered for why the original father left in the first place.

During his teenage years, Hammond reportedly cycled wildly between appearances, attitudes, and interests that obviously contra≠dicted one another, and many have noted an apparent inconsistency in the chronology of his adolescence: While Hammond thoroughly expounds early on about the details of his first sexual encounter, the actual event occurs three years later, and under completely different circumstances than those he describes.

Since then, onlookers reported, events in Hammond's life have proceeded vaguely and clumsily, with long stretches in which it is impossible to tell what is even motivating him.

"At one point, he's in college studying anthropology and you think his life is going to be about that, but next thing you know, he's working full-time as a waiter," observer Richard Siegal said. "Then out of the blue you find out that what he really wants to do is get into marketing, and suddenly he's back in college again. It makes no sense."

"And there's the big speech he gives his parents about how his life's passion is for community organizing, but you never hear anything about that again," Siegal added. "It's like, why even introduce it in the first place?"

Sources also noted that, between the ages of 23 and 28, Hammond's life "meanders aim≠lessly," with incongruous jumps between the town where he grew up, odd jobs in Southern California, and a mysterious monthlong trip to Italy, leaving observers confused and unsure if Hammond's life will ever be resolved in an intelligible and satisfying way.

"I'm fine suspending my disbelief on some things, but a random five-year gap where nothing happens? No thanks," Jess Harnwell said. "And it's not some cool experimental thing, either. It's just dumb and poorly executed."

Sources who had been holding out hope for a steady love interest to come along have reportedly been disappointed as well, as the rotating cast of women in his life changes so frequently that there is barely any time to get to know or care about any of them, least of all the shallow Jennifer, who for no apparent reason keeps reentering the picture for brief sexual escapades.

"That best friend, Patrick, who's always showing up is pretty funny, but that's about the only interesting part," said Daniel Thomas, who claims he has "basically checked out" of keeping up with Hammond's life. "When you stack his life against someone else's, like Dayton, OH contractor Jim Edmandson, there's no comparison: That guy is born, he grows up, gets married, has kids, grows old, and dies; it's clear, easy to follow, and has some actual emotional resonance to it."

Added Thomas, "At this point, I'm just hoping it ends soon."

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