Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.
Hammond, whose life has been described as a "hopelessly sloppy jumble of events" by numerous observers.

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consistency.

Critics said the lax attention to detail and sloppy sequencing throughout Hammond's life range from sudden, unexpected changes in dress and facial hair to total reversals in personality that seem to contradict his previously established thoughts and desires.

"The whole thing is kind of a mess, frankly," observer Todd Westbrook, 45, said of Hammond's haphazardly plotted life. "If you look at it with a critical eye, none of it makes any sense. There's all these weird shifts in occupation and opinions and relationships, not to mention the weight gain and weight loss and weight gain again."

"One minute he's living with his parents, the next he has an apartment with some girlfriend who shows up out of nowhere, then all of a sudden he's crashing at a friend's place in a completely different city without any explanation." Westbrook continued. "It's just all over the place."

According to sources, Hammond's life began with a fairly conventional childhood, but quickly grew jumbled after his father abruptly disappeared and was replaced by a different man without any valid reasons offered for why the original father left in the first place.

During his teenage years, Hammond reportedly cycled wildly between appearances, attitudes, and interests that obviously contra≠dicted one another, and many have noted an apparent inconsistency in the chronology of his adolescence: While Hammond thoroughly expounds early on about the details of his first sexual encounter, the actual event occurs three years later, and under completely different circumstances than those he describes.

Since then, onlookers reported, events in Hammond's life have proceeded vaguely and clumsily, with long stretches in which it is impossible to tell what is even motivating him.

"At one point, he's in college studying anthropology and you think his life is going to be about that, but next thing you know, he's working full-time as a waiter," observer Richard Siegal said. "Then out of the blue you find out that what he really wants to do is get into marketing, and suddenly he's back in college again. It makes no sense."

"And there's the big speech he gives his parents about how his life's passion is for community organizing, but you never hear anything about that again," Siegal added. "It's like, why even introduce it in the first place?"

Sources also noted that, between the ages of 23 and 28, Hammond's life "meanders aim≠lessly," with incongruous jumps between the town where he grew up, odd jobs in Southern California, and a mysterious monthlong trip to Italy, leaving observers confused and unsure if Hammond's life will ever be resolved in an intelligible and satisfying way.

"I'm fine suspending my disbelief on some things, but a random five-year gap where nothing happens? No thanks," Jess Harnwell said. "And it's not some cool experimental thing, either. It's just dumb and poorly executed."

Sources who had been holding out hope for a steady love interest to come along have reportedly been disappointed as well, as the rotating cast of women in his life changes so frequently that there is barely any time to get to know or care about any of them, least of all the shallow Jennifer, who for no apparent reason keeps reentering the picture for brief sexual escapades.

"That best friend, Patrick, who's always showing up is pretty funny, but that's about the only interesting part," said Daniel Thomas, who claims he has "basically checked out" of keeping up with Hammond's life. "When you stack his life against someone else's, like Dayton, OH contractor Jim Edmandson, there's no comparison: That guy is born, he grows up, gets married, has kids, grows old, and dies; it's clear, easy to follow, and has some actual emotional resonance to it."

Added Thomas, "At this point, I'm just hoping it ends soon."