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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage

Doug Townsend suffered defeat at the hands of the Slinko Games batting cage on Tuesday, making contact only four times and solid contact just once. This was just the latest in a series of setbacks for Townsend's feelings of manhood and self-worth:

  • May: Attempts to throw a football spiral so poorly that even his wife bursts out laughing.
  • June: Hit in face with frisbee; takes four hours to completely stop bloody nose.
  • July: Stared at bicycle in garage for long moment before realizing he could not do it and deciding to make four minute drive to work yet again.
  • August: Though EMT's were able to resuscitate him, Townsend technically drowns in his own above ground swimming pool.
  • September: Soundly defeated by treadmill, five falls to zero.
  • October: Is forced to switch from top to bottom in sex with wife record 15 seconds into intercourse.
  • November: Attempted four times to throw a football back over a tall fence to a group of kids playing; eventually had to walk ball around fence.
  • December: Loses to 9-year old son at Horse, HORSE to HOR.
  • January: Refers to Steelers quarterback as "Ben Hasselbeck or whatever."
  • February: Falls down for absolutely no reason at all.

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