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Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage

Doug Townsend suffered defeat at the hands of the Slinko Games batting cage on Tuesday, making contact only four times and solid contact just once. This was just the latest in a series of setbacks for Townsend's feelings of manhood and self-worth:

  • May: Attempts to throw a football spiral so poorly that even his wife bursts out laughing.
  • June: Hit in face with frisbee; takes four hours to completely stop bloody nose.
  • July: Stared at bicycle in garage for long moment before realizing he could not do it and deciding to make four minute drive to work yet again.
  • August: Though EMT's were able to resuscitate him, Townsend technically drowns in his own above ground swimming pool.
  • September: Soundly defeated by treadmill, five falls to zero.
  • October: Is forced to switch from top to bottom in sex with wife record 15 seconds into intercourse.
  • November: Attempted four times to throw a football back over a tall fence to a group of kids playing; eventually had to walk ball around fence.
  • December: Loses to 9-year old son at Horse, HORSE to HOR.
  • January: Refers to Steelers quarterback as "Ben Hasselbeck or whatever."
  • February: Falls down for absolutely no reason at all.

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