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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage

Doug Townsend suffered defeat at the hands of the Slinko Games batting cage on Tuesday, making contact only four times and solid contact just once. This was just the latest in a series of setbacks for Townsend's feelings of manhood and self-worth:

  • May: Attempts to throw a football spiral so poorly that even his wife bursts out laughing.
  • June: Hit in face with frisbee; takes four hours to completely stop bloody nose.
  • July: Stared at bicycle in garage for long moment before realizing he could not do it and deciding to make four minute drive to work yet again.
  • August: Though EMT's were able to resuscitate him, Townsend technically drowns in his own above ground swimming pool.
  • September: Soundly defeated by treadmill, five falls to zero.
  • October: Is forced to switch from top to bottom in sex with wife record 15 seconds into intercourse.
  • November: Attempted four times to throw a football back over a tall fence to a group of kids playing; eventually had to walk ball around fence.
  • December: Loses to 9-year old son at Horse, HORSE to HOR.
  • January: Refers to Steelers quarterback as "Ben Hasselbeck or whatever."
  • February: Falls down for absolutely no reason at all.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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