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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage

Doug Townsend suffered defeat at the hands of the Slinko Games batting cage on Tuesday, making contact only four times and solid contact just once. This was just the latest in a series of setbacks for Townsend's feelings of manhood and self-worth:

  • May: Attempts to throw a football spiral so poorly that even his wife bursts out laughing.
  • June: Hit in face with frisbee; takes four hours to completely stop bloody nose.
  • July: Stared at bicycle in garage for long moment before realizing he could not do it and deciding to make four minute drive to work yet again.
  • August: Though EMT's were able to resuscitate him, Townsend technically drowns in his own above ground swimming pool.
  • September: Soundly defeated by treadmill, five falls to zero.
  • October: Is forced to switch from top to bottom in sex with wife record 15 seconds into intercourse.
  • November: Attempted four times to throw a football back over a tall fence to a group of kids playing; eventually had to walk ball around fence.
  • December: Loses to 9-year old son at Horse, HORSE to HOR.
  • January: Refers to Steelers quarterback as "Ben Hasselbeck or whatever."
  • February: Falls down for absolutely no reason at all.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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