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Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

Friends say Ferguson's complete lack of any ambition, skill, or achievement is "sort of a sensitive area for him."
Friends say Ferguson's complete lack of any ambition, skill, or achievement is "sort of a sensitive area for him."

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a sore spot for him.

Longtime acquaintances of Ferguson reported that the otherwise amiable 39-year-old gets "a bit touchy" whenever someone makes even the most passing mention of his complete lack of personal and professional accomplishment.

"Ordinarily, he's a pretty okay guy to have around," said Greg Ostrowski, who has known Ferguson since high school. "But you have to be very, very careful if you bring up how he's always come up short at anything he's ever attempted. If you're not extremely delicate in the way you broach how success of any sort has constantly eluded him, he'll get very defensive."

"Honestly, it's often best to avoid that subject altogether," Ostrowski added. "But that's really hard. Mike's fucked up an awful lot. At pretty much everything, really."

Ferguson's particular sensitivity to his lifelong ineptness was reportedly not apparent at first, and friends said they were often caught off guard by the amount of offense he took at the slightest reference to the fact he was totally squandering his time on earth.

"I just remember casually saying something about how he was nearly broke, had never had a relationship that lasted longer than two months, and was still working part-time at his dad's sporting goods store, and he suddenly just bristled," said former roommate Ted McCormick, adding that he initially thought his friend's response was a sarcastic overreaction. "I said, 'Sorry, I didn't realize that was such a big deal to you.' I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that just alluding to the fact he couldn't hack more than a semester and a half of college was going to get under his skin so much?"

McCormick also told reporters Ferguson could benefit from having more of a sense of humor about the four decades of futility that have made his life unbearable.

"Everyone's got that one thing they're a little weird about, including me," said McCormick, admitting that at five-foot-six, he was sometimes sensitive about his height. "But I don't get all testy about it when people make a joke or two. I think if Mike just learned to laugh and not get bent out of shape every time someone makes an offhand remark about how he's essentially blown any chance he'll ever have for happiness, it'd be a lot easier to talk to him."

Added McCormick, "It's already tough enough being friends with a loser like that, you know?"

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