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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Admitting that he basically just stands there until one of the stations starts blaring “unexpected item in bagging area,” local supermarket employee Andy Berenson reported Wednesday that his entire job consists of undoing the handiwork of the store’s self-checkout machines. “My whole shift is pretty much spent asking people to step aside as I swipe my employee card and clean up whatever mess the machine’s gotten itself into,” said Berenson, acknowledging that he is paid solely to assist frustrated shoppers whose items won’t scan correctly or fail to trigger the machine’s electronic scale, or whose rewards cards don’t register with the system. “Sometimes I have to coach a customer through the payment process or enter in a code just to let the transaction continue, but half the time I end up having to tell people to use a different machine because the one they’re using froze up.” Berenson went on to say that the sole purpose of the store’s manager appeared to be approving any transaction involving alcohol.

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