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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Manti Te'o Informed He'll Go First Overall To Nebraska Pioneers

NEW YORK—Ending any speculation about the top pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Nebraska Pioneers have reportedly informed Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o that they will select him with the first overall pick. “Coach Pfeiffer called this morning to say the Pioneers are taking me first,” said Te’o, who confirmed that he has agreed to a tentative four-year, $32.5 million contract with the Omaha-based Pioneers. “Obviously, it’s a huge honor, and I’m so excited to work alongside Tom Brady, Justin Smith, Calvin Johnson, and the rest of my new teammates. We’re going to shake things up in the NFC Midwest this year.” Sources indicated that Te’o later declined to talk with the Minnesota Vikings about drafting him 25th, telling team officials that they were “too late.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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