adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Manti Te'o Informed He'll Go First Overall To Nebraska Pioneers

NEW YORK—Ending any speculation about the top pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Nebraska Pioneers have reportedly informed Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o that they will select him with the first overall pick. “Coach Pfeiffer called this morning to say the Pioneers are taking me first,” said Te’o, who confirmed that he has agreed to a tentative four-year, $32.5 million contract with the Omaha-based Pioneers. “Obviously, it’s a huge honor, and I’m so excited to work alongside Tom Brady, Justin Smith, Calvin Johnson, and the rest of my new teammates. We’re going to shake things up in the NFC Midwest this year.” Sources indicated that Te’o later declined to talk with the Minnesota Vikings about drafting him 25th, telling team officials that they were “too late.”

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close