adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Manti Te'o Scrapes Together $5,000 For Combine Fee

INDIANAPOLIS—With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine drawing to a close, linebacker Manti Te’o confirmed Tuesday that he had managed to scrape together enough money to pay the $5,000 fee to participate in the event. “The guy on the phone told me my results wouldn’t count unless I paid the registration fee, so I made sure to get him that money as soon as I could,” the former Notre Dame football standout told reporters, adding that his Western Union wire transfer to Flex-Trak OKK Offshore Holdings, Ltd. ensured him free access to each of the combine performance tests, as well as “Premier Elite” admission to Lucas Oil Stadium. “It was a little pricey with all the extra convenience charges tacked on, but it’s a good thing I got the money together when I did. Apparently, the fee would have increased to $10,000 if I had waited another day.” While Te’o admitted that registering for the combine had depleted a significant portion of his savings, the star linebacker said that his finances were in good shape, as he recently received an unexpected e-mail informing him that he had inherited a sizable sum of money from a long-lost Nigerian uncle.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close