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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

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