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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

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