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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Many Native Americans Still Hold Traditional Beliefs About White Man

WASHINGTON, DC—Despite more than four centuries of the erosion of their native society, a large majority of First Nations peoples still maintain their culture's traditional beliefs about Caucasians, which were handed down by previous generations, according to a study released by the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs Monday. "Our research revealed that most Native Americans view 'the white man' as a deceitful, avaricious, exploitive mass murderer, just as their ancestors did," BIA Interim Assistant Secretary James Cason said. "It remains unclear why, in an age when so much of their culture has been lost to time, this tradition remains as strong as ever."  In light of the findings, the BIA announced a new program to preserve traditional beliefs through educational material in reservation-school textbooks and poster campaigns in liquor stores.

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