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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Many Senators Developing Simple Tools For Governing

WASHINGTON, DC—Scientists who study congressional behavior reported Monday that some senators are capable of developing and using primitive legislative tools. "We noticed about a month ago that an alpha senator and majority-leader silverback named 'Bill' had taken to banging his lectern with a hammer-like implement instead of using his fist or a leg of meat as the others do," said congressional anthropologist Allison Weathers, author of Rotundas In The Mist, the acclaimed account of life among the great congressmen of the Potomac River region of the U.S. "Since then we've seen multiple instances of tool use, such as small implements used for drafting and adjourning, as well as the rudiments of spoken language in the form of monosyllabic grunts such as 'aye' and 'nay,' common in group decision-making."

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