Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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‘This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros,’ Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit

NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any Game of Thrones fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros. “Get ready to see The Seven Kingdoms in a whole new light,” reported the ceaseless deluge of absurd garbage being pumped into your skull, inundating you with meaninglessness every single hour of every single day. “Don’t say you weren’t warned!” At press time, the torrent of inescapable nonsense was continuing unabated and was expected to plague you, in varying forms, for the rest of your life.

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