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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course

PALM BEACH, FL—Having struggled to haul more than 30 pounds of highly classified documents for 18 holes, Mar-a-Lago caddy Simon Bauers reportedly injured his shoulder Sunday while carrying a set of President Donald Trump’s national security briefings around the resort’s golf course. “I definitely felt a sudden twinge of pain while walking to the 12th hole with all of President Trump’s intelligence briefings slung over my right shoulder,” said Bauers, adding that he was forced to lift the large, unwieldy assortment of CIA and FBI briefings with his left arm for the remainder of the day. “Hopefully it isn’t anything serious, but by the end of the day, I could barely pick up a few binders of intel on North Korea’s ballistic missile capabilities, let alone all the dossiers on ISIS. I might have to go see a doctor tomorrow if the pain doesn’t go away.” Bauers went on to say that he is at least glad Trump’s set of briefings has gotten far lighter ever since intelligence officials decided to withhold sensitive information from the president to avoid White House leaks.

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