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Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird

‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say

HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the local family’s preferred euphemism for human genitalia is apparently the word ...

Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, ending the car's "wheels on the ground" position.

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—Some residents reported seeing the black guy waving wildly and quoting from the Bible, while others said they spotted him shouting about global warming.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table

PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table. “I just wanted a nice, quiet dinner, but this rowdy table of high-ranking government officials keeps rudely shouting about classified policy initiatives,” said Forsyth, adding that more than a dozen raucous aides and advisors had pulled up chairs to a table that was clearly only meant to seat six. “I didn’t pay all this money in membership fees to have these insufferable officials barge in and take over the entire dining room with their piles of sensitive documents spread out everywhere like no one else is even here. I’m just trying to enjoy the prime rib, and they’re on their phones loudly talking to some foreign leader. This is the same disrespectful group, of course, that was yelling about North Korea in the spa.” At press time, a waiter was politely asking the party to take their conversation about the Iran nuclear deal into the bar area or the lobby.

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