adBlockCheck

Sports

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
End Of Section
  • More News

Marc Bulger Visits Local Barnes & Noble For Touchdown Ideas

LADUE, MO—After struggling and looking stale in his last few starts, Rams quarterback Marc Bulger paid a visit to the Barnes & Noble Booksellers at Ladue Crossing Shopping Center to peruse books and periodicals in hopes of getting new and interesting touchdown ideas. "I don't want to give Tory [Holt] and Steven [Jackson] the same old boring touchdown passes and handoffs every time," said Bulger, who was reportedly skimming through Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich, cocking his arm back, nodding his head, and jotting down something in a small black notebook. "And I can't just watch the opposing team's quarterback for touchdown ideas, because then I'm not doing anything new or original. Getting into the minds of contemporary thinkers and writers can help push football forward. Though I also get touchdown ideas while just watching movies." Witnesses claim that Bulger left the store without buying anything.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close