adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Marc Bulger Visits Local Barnes & Noble For Touchdown Ideas

LADUE, MO—After struggling and looking stale in his last few starts, Rams quarterback Marc Bulger paid a visit to the Barnes & Noble Booksellers at Ladue Crossing Shopping Center to peruse books and periodicals in hopes of getting new and interesting touchdown ideas. "I don't want to give Tory [Holt] and Steven [Jackson] the same old boring touchdown passes and handoffs every time," said Bulger, who was reportedly skimming through Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich, cocking his arm back, nodding his head, and jotting down something in a small black notebook. "And I can't just watch the opposing team's quarterback for touchdown ideas, because then I'm not doing anything new or original. Getting into the minds of contemporary thinkers and writers can help push football forward. Though I also get touchdown ideas while just watching movies." Witnesses claim that Bulger left the store without buying anything.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close