adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Marc Stein Treated For OCD After Latest NBA Power Rankings List Teams From Dirtiest To Cleanest

BRISTOL, CT—Sportswriter Marc Stein was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and prescribed a low dose of Risperdal Tuesday after using his weekly ESPN.com power rankings to rate the "filthiness" of each NBA team. "Basketball under their fingernails; I wouldn't go near these guys in a million years, okay?" read Stein's entry for the 11th-ranked Pacers, a typical blurb in a list that described the No. 1 Suns as "pretty clean or less diseased than normal" and the No. 30 Mavericks as "DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY." An agitated Stein told reporters that he believes teams need to be ranked in many different ways. "Scoring them from best to worst, or by their 'power,' is one way, but what about organizing them by how dirty they are, their franchise age, or the way they sound or taste? People deserve to know that, although the Lakers are the best team in the league, they are only 23rd in terms of how well-liked they are among their own families. The Detroit Pistons are ranked eighth alphabetically. That's important." Stein was prescribed an additional dose of D-cycloserin after explaining his plans to wash the entire Northwest Division.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close