Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes

PHILADELPHIA—In the midst of his frantic attempt to conceal a corpse early Wednesday morning, a panicked Marc Summers came to the realization that police officers would immediately think to look for the mangled body in the huge pile of mashed potatoes, sources confirmed. “Oh God, as soon as the cops check the hot fudge sundae slide, of course they’re going to start digging through the giant mound of mashed potatoes,” the frenzied former Double Dare host reportedly muttered to himself following an attempt to stuff the remains of a local woman into a kiddie pool heaped with hundreds of pounds of instant mashed potatoes and 20 gallons of gravy, after the woman suffered a fatal head injury while attempting to run in the oversized hamster wheel mounted in his living room. “Maybe I could submerge the body in this vat of pudding? Or stash her in between the foam slices of bread in this giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich? But there’s just so much blood—there’s no way I have enough pink gak to cover all that up. Jesus, I’ve got to get out of here.” At press time, Summers was desperately attempting to locate his passport in the nostril of an immense, slime-filled plastic nose before hastily boarding a bus to fabulous Universal Studios Orlando.

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