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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes

PHILADELPHIA—In the midst of his frantic attempt to conceal a corpse early Wednesday morning, a panicked Marc Summers came to the realization that police officers would immediately think to look for the mangled body in the huge pile of mashed potatoes, sources confirmed. “Oh God, as soon as the cops check the hot fudge sundae slide, of course they’re going to start digging through the giant mound of mashed potatoes,” the frenzied former Double Dare host reportedly muttered to himself following an attempt to stuff the remains of a local woman into a kiddie pool heaped with hundreds of pounds of instant mashed potatoes and 20 gallons of gravy, after the woman suffered a fatal head injury while attempting to run in the oversized hamster wheel mounted in his living room. “Maybe I could submerge the body in this vat of pudding? Or stash her in between the foam slices of bread in this giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich? But there’s just so much blood—there’s no way I have enough pink gak to cover all that up. Jesus, I’ve got to get out of here.” At press time, Summers was desperately attempting to locate his passport in the nostril of an immense, slime-filled plastic nose before hastily boarding a bus to fabulous Universal Studios Orlando.

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