March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month

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Vol 38 Issue 07

Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway. "I contain 40 percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at terrified produce-aisle customers. "I can fight off insects and disease without the use of pesticides!" Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?" Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.

Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more resignation in her voice.

$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession

WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. "This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide," Bush said. "We will find you, and we will end you." Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.

Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq

NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said. "Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations." Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

I Almost Lost It All

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems.

The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?

The New Sesame Street

For its 33rd season, which began last month, Sesame Street has been given its biggest overhaul ever. Among the changes:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month

SAN FRANCISCO—The National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation is gearing up for Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month, to be observed across the U.S. throughout the month of March.

An ad on a New York City bus.

"Each year in this country, more than 40 million Americans don't really think about breast cancer all that much," said National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation director Judith Quinn at a press conference kicking off the month-long event. "These people get up each day and go to work without this dread disease ever crossing their minds."

Founded in 1997, the National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation is one of the nation's fastest-growing charitable organizations. As a result of the group's work, more than 120 million citizens are not aware of the serious threat breast cancer poses or the simple steps women can take to detect and prevent the disease early.

Planned events include marches dedicated to various breast-cancer-unrelated items, including anteaters and motel-lobby vending machines; free cajun-cooking demonstrations; and the distribution of red ribbons to put people's minds on AIDS instead.

"We've come far in our short history, but much work lies ahead," Quinn said. "For example, we're about to produce a pamphlet with basic information on the disease and a list of breast-cancer research organizations to which people can donate money. Then we will leave those pamphlets sitting in some warehouse somewhere in Iowa, just collecting dust."

Among the topics Americans will not learn more about during Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month are the importance of regular mammograms for women over 40, how to conduct an at-home self breast exam, and simple diet and lifestyle tips to help reduce the risk of getting the disease.

A billboard produced by the National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation.

"It's vital that we focus our energies on something other than the 190,000 new cases of breast cancer in the U.S. each year," Quinn said. "Because if we don't, we're all going to get pretty bummed out."

Television networks have joined forces with the Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation in support of its cause. Throughout March, CBS will air public-service announcements featuring Ray Romano delivering the slogan, "Breast Cancer: Fuhgeddaboutit!" On March 28, NBC will air a "very routine episode" of Friends in which none of the female characters are diagnosed with, or even mention, breast cancer. The episode will conclude with a phone number viewers may call to hear that evening's sports scores.

"Volunteers and donations are still badly needed if we as a nation are going to continue to be unaware of this dreaded killer," Quinn said. "For those who have already heard about breast cancer, it may be too late, but at least we can distract them to help ease their awareness while working to ensure that our daughters, and our daughters' daughters, never know much about this terrible condition."

Added Quinn: "Let's play badminton."

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