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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Marco Andretti Follows In Father's Footsteps By Not Winning Indy 500

INDIANAPOLIS—Marco Andretti, 19-year-old Indy Racing League rookie phenom and son of driver Michael Andretti, upheld the family tradition his father began in 1984 when he failed to win the Indianapolis 500 last Sunday despite leading all but the last seconds of the final lap. "Dad has led the most laps at Indianapolis without winning, and now I just came in second in one of the closest finishes ever," said the younger Andretti, who like his father was also voted the 500's Outstanding Rookie despite not winning. "I'm feeling really close to my father right now. And that sucks." Mario Andretti, Marco's grandfather and father to Michael, was quick to inform reporters that he won the Indianapolis 500 in 1969, the Daytona 500 in 1967, the Formula One world championship in 1978, and is friends with actor Paul Newman.

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