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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Marco Andretti Follows In Father's Footsteps By Not Winning Indy 500

INDIANAPOLIS—Marco Andretti, 19-year-old Indy Racing League rookie phenom and son of driver Michael Andretti, upheld the family tradition his father began in 1984 when he failed to win the Indianapolis 500 last Sunday despite leading all but the last seconds of the final lap. "Dad has led the most laps at Indianapolis without winning, and now I just came in second in one of the closest finishes ever," said the younger Andretti, who like his father was also voted the 500's Outstanding Rookie despite not winning. "I'm feeling really close to my father right now. And that sucks." Mario Andretti, Marco's grandfather and father to Michael, was quick to inform reporters that he won the Indianapolis 500 in 1969, the Daytona 500 in 1967, the Formula One world championship in 1978, and is friends with actor Paul Newman.

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