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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Marco Andretti Follows In Father's Footsteps By Not Winning Indy 500

INDIANAPOLIS—Marco Andretti, 19-year-old Indy Racing League rookie phenom and son of driver Michael Andretti, upheld the family tradition his father began in 1984 when he failed to win the Indianapolis 500 last Sunday despite leading all but the last seconds of the final lap. "Dad has led the most laps at Indianapolis without winning, and now I just came in second in one of the closest finishes ever," said the younger Andretti, who like his father was also voted the 500's Outstanding Rookie despite not winning. "I'm feeling really close to my father right now. And that sucks." Mario Andretti, Marco's grandfather and father to Michael, was quick to inform reporters that he won the Indianapolis 500 in 1969, the Daytona 500 in 1967, the Formula One world championship in 1978, and is friends with actor Paul Newman.

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