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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Marcus Camby Caught Hacking NBA Computer To Change Clippers Power Ranking

LOS ANGELES—NBA officials formally accused center Marcus Camby Wednesday of exploiting a weakness in the NBA computer system, gaining access to the league's power rankings, and altering the Clippers position from 27th to first. "We were first alerted to a discrepancy Monday when we observed that the 41-9 Lakers were placed lower than the 12-39 Clippers," said NBA commissioner David Stern, adding that administrators knew something was wrong after double-checking the strengths of team schedules. "We realized Marcus was behind everything after noticing that his assists per game had gone up from 2.1 in 2006 to 17.3 this season." In 2004, Camby was suspended for one week after he unleashed the Mydoom computer virus on Defense Department computers.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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