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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Marcus Vick Likely Out For Sunday Shift At Sbarro

ATLANTA—After missing four consecutive days this week, sources close to Marcus Vick confirmed that the former Virginia Tech quarterback is considered unlikely for his Sunday afternoon shift at Sbarro. “Marcus showed a lot of promise early on, but it’s looking increasingly doubtful that he’ll be on the floor this weekend,” branch manager Glenn Bailey told reporters, adding that lingering issues had prevented the former athlete from fulfilling his role as the restaurant’s go-to cashier. “Everyone on my staff would be thrilled if Marcus showed up at 100 percent this weekend, but with his history that’s just wishful thinking. While Sunday is a huge day for us and we could really use him, I can’t help but feel that his professional food services career is over.” Restaurant insiders have speculated Vick’s absence may provide a valuable opportunity for his current backup, former No. 1 draft pick and Sbarro trainee JaMarcus Russell.

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