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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Marcus Vick Likely Out For Sunday Shift At Sbarro

ATLANTA—After missing four consecutive days this week, sources close to Marcus Vick confirmed that the former Virginia Tech quarterback is considered unlikely for his Sunday afternoon shift at Sbarro. “Marcus showed a lot of promise early on, but it’s looking increasingly doubtful that he’ll be on the floor this weekend,” branch manager Glenn Bailey told reporters, adding that lingering issues had prevented the former athlete from fulfilling his role as the restaurant’s go-to cashier. “Everyone on my staff would be thrilled if Marcus showed up at 100 percent this weekend, but with his history that’s just wishful thinking. While Sunday is a huge day for us and we could really use him, I can’t help but feel that his professional food services career is over.” Restaurant insiders have speculated Vick’s absence may provide a valuable opportunity for his current backup, former No. 1 draft pick and Sbarro trainee JaMarcus Russell.

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