adBlockCheck

Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi

Top Headlines

Politics

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi

BAGHDAD—Despite several failed attempts to secure the popular support of the Iraqi people, Lance Cpl. David Hoekner told reporters Monday that he remains committed to his personal goal of winning the heart and mind of at least one Iraqi citizen before his tour ends in July. "I figure I can definitely charm a kid into liking me," said Hoekner, who had been gaining ground in his rapport with the Iraqi people until a December firefight that resulted in 24 civilian casualties. "I always carry extra chocolate bars and a soccer ball when I'm out on patrol, and I've even learned a few words in Arabic. Mark my words, there will be one little Iraqi boy who will think of the United States as the Great Liberator by the time I leave." Hoekner has set several additional goals for himself while still on duty, including driving a MIA2 Abrams battle tank, killing top al-Qaeda officer Abu Ayyub al-Masri, and trying falafel.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close