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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi

BAGHDAD—Despite several failed attempts to secure the popular support of the Iraqi people, Lance Cpl. David Hoekner told reporters Monday that he remains committed to his personal goal of winning the heart and mind of at least one Iraqi citizen before his tour ends in July. "I figure I can definitely charm a kid into liking me," said Hoekner, who had been gaining ground in his rapport with the Iraqi people until a December firefight that resulted in 24 civilian casualties. "I always carry extra chocolate bars and a soccer ball when I'm out on patrol, and I've even learned a few words in Arabic. Mark my words, there will be one little Iraqi boy who will think of the United States as the Great Liberator by the time I leave." Hoekner has set several additional goals for himself while still on duty, including driving a MIA2 Abrams battle tank, killing top al-Qaeda officer Abu Ayyub al-Masri, and trying falafel.

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