adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block

BAGHDAD—Lance Cpl. Rudy Coletto, a Marine on his first tour of duty in Baghdad's violence-wracked Tissa Nissan district, said he hopes to be reassigned to a different area of the city once his request for discharge is refused. "After I'm told I can't leave the Corps, I hope they at least station me on a different tiny besieged island of U.S. control," said Coletto, 24, who has defended the same 30-by-30-yard square since arriving in Iraq last Christmas. "I was thinking maybe that one block of the Sunni district we patrol up in north Baghdad, or even that two-block section of Doura where they've almost managed to enforce the curfew." Coletto's commanding officer said that he would almost certainly be transferred elsewhere after the Tissa Nissan base is overrun by insurgents and abandoned within the month.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close