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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block

BAGHDAD—Lance Cpl. Rudy Coletto, a Marine on his first tour of duty in Baghdad's violence-wracked Tissa Nissan district, said he hopes to be reassigned to a different area of the city once his request for discharge is refused. "After I'm told I can't leave the Corps, I hope they at least station me on a different tiny besieged island of U.S. control," said Coletto, 24, who has defended the same 30-by-30-yard square since arriving in Iraq last Christmas. "I was thinking maybe that one block of the Sunni district we patrol up in north Baghdad, or even that two-block section of Doura where they've almost managed to enforce the curfew." Coletto's commanding officer said that he would almost certainly be transferred elsewhere after the Tissa Nissan base is overrun by insurgents and abandoned within the month.

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