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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block

BAGHDAD—Lance Cpl. Rudy Coletto, a Marine on his first tour of duty in Baghdad's violence-wracked Tissa Nissan district, said he hopes to be reassigned to a different area of the city once his request for discharge is refused. "After I'm told I can't leave the Corps, I hope they at least station me on a different tiny besieged island of U.S. control," said Coletto, 24, who has defended the same 30-by-30-yard square since arriving in Iraq last Christmas. "I was thinking maybe that one block of the Sunni district we patrol up in north Baghdad, or even that two-block section of Doura where they've almost managed to enforce the curfew." Coletto's commanding officer said that he would almost certainly be transferred elsewhere after the Tissa Nissan base is overrun by insurgents and abandoned within the month.

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