Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 14

Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation

WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the nation may live on. "It is the only way," Bush said. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations." Over the vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way."

Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris

ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of Paris. "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday. "Or someplace along the Left Bank. That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue." Bosio then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song."

Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use.

Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope

NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is there such thing as an 'envelope store'?" Phills asked. "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an envelope, except by snagging one off somebody." Phills added that the envelope hunt would not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed envelope enclosed with the monthly bill.

That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot

ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show. "He looks all puffed out and tired with those bags under his eyes." Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him.

It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits start to roll, well, it really hurts my feelings. I may not have been the director or one of the stars of Changing Lanes, but I worked very hard in my capacity as assistant to Mr. Affleck.

I'm A High Roller

Hola, amigos. All clear on your end? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa Anchower lately.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines

MADISON, WI—Troy Leffler, who spent four long years living under an oppressive, totalitarian Marine Corps regime, never knew how precious freedom was until he left the Marines, the former Private-First Class (PFC) said Sunday.

Ex-Marine Troy Leffler.

"The freedom to go wherever you want, do whatever you like, and say whatever you feel is what makes America great," the 22-year-old Leffler told friends at a backyard barbecue Sunday. "And it's something I really learned to appreciate after four godforsaken years in the military."

Though he spent the bulk of his 1998-2001 enlistment on U.S. soil, at Camp Pendleton near San Diego, Leffler did not enjoy the freedom of movement taken for granted by many American citizens.

"A big part of American liberty is the right to come and go as one pleases," Leffler said. "For four terrible years, that freedom was denied me. Every minute of every day, I was told where to go and what to do. Except for an occasional weekend pass, the Marines made every decision in your life, from when you slept to when you showered to when and what you had to eat."

Added Leffler: "I just hope the people at this picnic realize how very fortunate they are to live in a place where they aren't told what to wear or how to walk."

According to Leffler, life under Marine rule was psychologically brutal.

"It's hard for free Americans to understand this, but from day one of basic training, Sarge tells you how and what to think," he said. "Not only are you expected to surrender your idea of the individual and begin thinking as a member of a group, but they actually regulate your speech. You have to call a wall a bulkhead, a floor a deck, a gun a weapon. You're reprogrammed to think like one of them."

Also denied Leffler were such basic rights as freedom of assembly, freedom from search and seizure of any or all items in his footlocker, and the pursuit of happiness.

"It's the little things you never think about that I missed most," Leffler said. "Having a beer for lunch. Taking in a ball game whenever I wanted. Getting into a car with a couple of buddies and driving off for a few days with nowhere special to go. Hanging out all afternoon in a bar. You don't realize how much these things mean until the Marines don't let you do them."

Leffler said his greatest hope is that his Marine experience will serve as an example to others.

"[Leffler] asked to come to our school and speak to the kids about what freedom means and how you don't have any as a member of the armed services," said Madison West High School principal John Posey, who turned down Leffler's recent request to address the student body. "I admire his dedication to his ideals and his desire to pass along some of his life experience, but I think we'll let the kids make up their own minds on this one."

That, Leffler said, may be the greatest danger.

"That's how they got me," said Leffler, noting that he was barely 18 when he made the decision to enter the Marine Corps. "I guess I really did it to myself in the end, and that's the worst part. We must all vigilantly safeguard our sacred freedoms, lest we squander them on four years of desert marches and shoe polishing."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More