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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Mariners Fire Whiffing Coach

SEATTLE—Claiming that Mariners whiffers have not been swinging wildly or embarrassingly enough, GM Bill Bavasi fired team whiffing coach Jeff Pentland Monday. "Our guys have simply forgotten the basics—flailing, guessing, just standing there like a statue as a perfect pitch comes sailing right over the plate," Bavasi said. "Sure, we've excelled in areas such as hitting soft fly balls directly to the left-fielder and grounding weakly into double plays, but that only gets you so far. We need to get to a point where our team is able to whiff with the game on the line." Bavasi, however, once again reserved heavy praise for the team's sucking coach.

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