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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mario Chalmers Under Impression Heat Need Him To Step Up In Playoffs

MIAMI—Heading into the team’s first-round matchup against the Milwaukee Bucks, sources confirmed Friday that Miami Heat point guard Mario Chalmers has somehow fallen under the impression that his teammates really need him to step it up during the playoffs. “They can’t do it without me, so I definitely have to bring my A-game,” said Chalmers, adding that head coach Erik Spoelstra is counting on him to be at his absolute best on defense and maintain flawless perimeter shooting amid the team’s bid for a second consecutive NBA title. “This is the playoffs, so I can’t afford to have an off game. Everyone’s depending on me out there, and if I don’t make my presence felt, we could be headed home early.” Chalmers also confirmed that he will need to be a vocal leader on the floor in order to set an example for Dwyane Wade, Ray Allen, and LeBron James.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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