Mark Cuban Buys Sports

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Originality

Mark Cuban Buys Sports

DALLAS—Billionaire Mark Cuban, tired of the opposition he has encountered from NBA management in his role as owner of the Dallas Mavericks and frustrated with opposition from the MLB owners' association in his attempt to buy the Chicago Cubs, liquidated almost all his personal wealth and holdings and purchased the entirety of sports for an undisclosed but undoubtedly large sum on Monday.

"I'm pleased and excited to announce to fans of—well, of everything, really—that a new era has begun in the game, activity, contest, race, national pastime, world championship tournament, sport, or sports that you love so much," a cheerful Cuban said Tuesday morning in a press conference held to announce his acquisition. "So many of the things that have frustrated me about sports—the officiating, the ivory-tower attitude of the powers-that-be, the fact that I am not in control of every single aspect of them—all of that is about to change."

The exact details of the thousands of exact terms and conditions of Cuban's purchase have yet to be released. However, lawyers confirm that the deal makes Cuban the majority owner of sports, with at least a 51 percent share of sporting leagues and organizations including but by no means limited to Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, the Professional Golfers' Association, NASCAR, IndyCar, Major League Soccer, the WNBA, the LPGA, the Bassmaster Tour, the NCAA, FIFA, the International Olympic Committee, the Union Cycliste Internationale, Formula 1 Racing, the International Rugby League, and all their affiliate and associate leagues in perpetuity.

"I want to assure fans and athletes around the world that very little will change now that you are all my fans and athletes," Cuban said. "Of course, there will be a review and streamlining of all the rules as soon as possible, so I can settle certain things once and for all, like what is and isn't a foul, and where the Cubs will be playing after they leave Chicago, and what Dwyane Wade will be doing now that he's banned from basketball. Oh, yeah, and the Olympics are canceled. And I need to see [former Texas Longhorns softball player] Cat Osterman in my office tomorrow evening, dressed appropriately for dinner at a fairly good but charmingly low-key steakhouse. Anyway, I realize how important sports are, and want to reassure the world that with the increased cost will come greatly increased enjoyment."

Cuban has also scheduled a meeting of sports to be held on Aug. 15 at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. Attendance is mandatory for all executives, team minority partners (formerly team owners), and officials from all leagues. Attendees have been told to bring detailed records of their recent seasons, and that coffee and sandwiches would be provided as the meeting is expected to last most of the day.

Reaction from sports people was mixed.

"The part of this that bothers me is that Cuban has never before shown any interest in us and then, out of the blue, I get a 225-page memo outlining administrative restructuring, rules changes, delineations on what the league commissioner is and is not empowered to do, off-the-field disciplinary guidelines for players, the works," said Dane County Little League director Robert L. Krewson of Montrose, WI. "I'm not entirely certain I can allow the kids to be taken out for pizza afterwards. It's difficult reading."

"Apparently the stripes have to go," said Cincinnati Bengals Hospitality and Morale Group Director and former Bengals owner Mike Brown. "I guess Mark just doesn't like stripes."

†Cuban acknowledged that there would be some adjustments to make during the transition, but that he would address "minor concerns" just as soon as he finishes the business of firing former NBA Commissioner David Stern, a process that he estimated may take up to four days "in order to do it right."

"Buying sports was the culmination of a childhood dream, but it wasn't cheap," Cuban told the Wall Street Journal yesterday. "I sank almost everything I had into it, brought investors on board, even sold my jet in order to get sports. And while I'm in charge I intend to rid sports of all the hypocrisy and old-boy's-club garbage and tennis and false sentiment that have been dragging it down it for so long. There's no reason I can't do that, have a ball, and then sell it a few years down the road at a profit. Maybe to Yahoo! or someone like that."

While sports' burgeoning popularity has generally been blue-chip profitable in recent years, business analysts are taking a wait-and-see approach regarding Cuban's acquisition.

"In this economy, nothing is certain, especially in the leisure segment," said New York Times financial analyst Gary Broadbridge. "Individually, sports have value, certainly. But considered as a whole, and taking into account issues such as steroid use, cultural oversaturation, an emphasis on pure performance over substance, and the long-term value of sports looks somewhat dim. I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in saying that I'm really not sure sports is worth it."