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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mark Cuban To New Maverick Jason Kidd: 'I'm Open'

DALLAS—Upon seeing that no one on the opposing team had picked him up in transition, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban repeatedly called for newly acquired point guard Jason Kidd to pass him the ball during the All-Star's first home game with the team Monday. "Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball!" said Cuban, waving his arms and jumping up and down behind the Maverick's bench. "Pass me the rock! I'm on an island here... Ball! Ball! Ball! Hey, J-Kidd, over here! I'm wide open! Come on, damn it, ball!" Cuban, who displayed his frustration by stealing a pass intended for power forward Dirk Nowitzki and returning to his seat, finished his third straight game with zero points and two technical fouls.

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