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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium

DALLAS—Citing such factors as overexpansion, player safety, and behavioral issues, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban told reporters Wednesday that the NFL is in severe danger of waning in popularity over the next 1,000 years. “The NFL is at its peak in terms of popularity right now, but they’re getting a little too greedy, and they’ll start losing fans in the next three or four centuries,” said Cuban, adding that if officials and team owners aren’t careful the NFL could fall to the second or third most popular sports league as early as 3014. “We’ve seen it with baseball; we’ve seen it with hockey; we’ve seen it with Roman chariot racing in 700 B.C. The NFL is going down the same path with all these new TV deals. It might not happen overnight, but people will turn on the sport before the millennium is out, I can guarantee you that.” Cuban added that in contrast to the NFL’s increasing saturation of the market, the NBA can return to the pinnacle of American sports by only playing 82 games in a six-month regular season.

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