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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium

DALLAS—Citing such factors as overexpansion, player safety, and behavioral issues, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban told reporters Wednesday that the NFL is in severe danger of waning in popularity over the next 1,000 years. “The NFL is at its peak in terms of popularity right now, but they’re getting a little too greedy, and they’ll start losing fans in the next three or four centuries,” said Cuban, adding that if officials and team owners aren’t careful the NFL could fall to the second or third most popular sports league as early as 3014. “We’ve seen it with baseball; we’ve seen it with hockey; we’ve seen it with Roman chariot racing in 700 B.C. The NFL is going down the same path with all these new TV deals. It might not happen overnight, but people will turn on the sport before the millennium is out, I can guarantee you that.” Cuban added that in contrast to the NFL’s increasing saturation of the market, the NBA can return to the pinnacle of American sports by only playing 82 games in a six-month regular season.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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