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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool

You Know, Mark

FINDLAY, OH—Following the first four Sweet 16 games of this year’s NCAA Tournament, sources at local marketing firm Jones-Brannon Media confirmed Friday that Mark from sales is currently leading the office bracket pool. “Yeah, Mark, the guy who sits over by Caroline and Tim—he’s leading with like 64 points or something,” said account manager Josh Roffler, who gestured toward a far corner of the office and confirmed that Mark managed to correctly pick Dayton over both Ohio State and Syracuse. “I think he’s got Arizona winning it all, but he also had Duke in the Final Four, so who knows. I forget who Scott said is right behind him in second—I just know I need Louisville to come through for me or my bracket’s done.” At press time, sources clarified that the tall guy with the glasses is not Mark—that’s Dave, who isn’t even participating in the office pool this year.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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