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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge

OAKLAND, CA—Calling on his team to use the forces of tension and compression to their advantage, Golden State Warriors head coach Mark Jackson reportedly implored his players Wednesday to play like a suspension bridge. “We need to go out there tonight and play like we’re connecting Yerba Buena Island and Emeryville for 48 straight minutes,” said Jackson, asking his players to show their opponent they are capable of bearing dead, live, and dynamic loads by shifting them from the woven wires through the towers and onto the anchors where they can dissipate into the earth. “I want to see you hustling like you’ve got two decks of traffic running along you, and I want you manning up on defense like you’re more adept at maintaining structural integrity during earthquakes. Remember, as a team you’re all eyebars holding up cables individually, so if just one of you quits for a play this entire thing is going to collapse.” Following a disappointing first half, Jackson reportedly told his team they looked more like a tubular bridge.

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