adBlockCheck

Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge

OAKLAND, CA—Calling on his team to use the forces of tension and compression to their advantage, Golden State Warriors head coach Mark Jackson reportedly implored his players Wednesday to play like a suspension bridge. “We need to go out there tonight and play like we’re connecting Yerba Buena Island and Emeryville for 48 straight minutes,” said Jackson, asking his players to show their opponent they are capable of bearing dead, live, and dynamic loads by shifting them from the woven wires through the towers and onto the anchors where they can dissipate into the earth. “I want to see you hustling like you’ve got two decks of traffic running along you, and I want you manning up on defense like you’re more adept at maintaining structural integrity during earthquakes. Remember, as a team you’re all eyebars holding up cables individually, so if just one of you quits for a play this entire thing is going to collapse.” Following a disappointing first half, Jackson reportedly told his team they looked more like a tubular bridge.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close