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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge

OAKLAND, CA—Calling on his team to use the forces of tension and compression to their advantage, Golden State Warriors head coach Mark Jackson reportedly implored his players Wednesday to play like a suspension bridge. “We need to go out there tonight and play like we’re connecting Yerba Buena Island and Emeryville for 48 straight minutes,” said Jackson, asking his players to show their opponent they are capable of bearing dead, live, and dynamic loads by shifting them from the woven wires through the towers and onto the anchors where they can dissipate into the earth. “I want to see you hustling like you’ve got two decks of traffic running along you, and I want you manning up on defense like you’re more adept at maintaining structural integrity during earthquakes. Remember, as a team you’re all eyebars holding up cables individually, so if just one of you quits for a play this entire thing is going to collapse.” Following a disappointing first half, Jackson reportedly told his team they looked more like a tubular bridge.

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