adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning

ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters Monday that he is eager to get back in the batting cage and work with the team's hitters on the fundamentals of avoiding direct questioning from Congress during committee hearings on steroid abuse. "When you get down to it, it's just hands back, quick to the ball, and then right when you are about to shift your weight, have a working knowledge of the Fifth Amendment so as not to incriminate yourself in front of a panel of elected officials," said McGwire, who in the past has informally helped Cardinals Skip Schumaker and Chris Duncan with swing tips, including one in which you choke up a quarter inch to make certain you cloud the truth. "I'm not going to impose my style of squirming and smoke-screening on their batting stances, though. Every individual player needs to figure out how best to keep his left shoulder behind the ball in order to eventually make his deflected answers that much more precise." When asked about his history with performance-enhancing drugs, McGwire patiently kept his hands back and delivered a short, powerful swing to the reporter's face.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close