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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning

ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters Monday that he is eager to get back in the batting cage and work with the team's hitters on the fundamentals of avoiding direct questioning from Congress during committee hearings on steroid abuse. "When you get down to it, it's just hands back, quick to the ball, and then right when you are about to shift your weight, have a working knowledge of the Fifth Amendment so as not to incriminate yourself in front of a panel of elected officials," said McGwire, who in the past has informally helped Cardinals Skip Schumaker and Chris Duncan with swing tips, including one in which you choke up a quarter inch to make certain you cloud the truth. "I'm not going to impose my style of squirming and smoke-screening on their batting stances, though. Every individual player needs to figure out how best to keep his left shoulder behind the ball in order to eventually make his deflected answers that much more precise." When asked about his history with performance-enhancing drugs, McGwire patiently kept his hands back and delivered a short, powerful swing to the reporter's face.

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