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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mark Prior Just Needs To Stop By Hospital For A Sec To Get Some T.J. Surgery

PEORIA, AZ—Padres pitcher Mark Prior informed teammates Monday that he just has to pop in to the hospital for "one quick sec" to have Tommy John connective tissue reconstruction surgery performed on his right arm. "Hey guys, can you pull over for a minute? My U.C. lig is just killing me and I gotta get a little T.J. before the game," Prior reportedly told fellow pitchers Jake Peavy and Chris Young after tearing his ulnar collateral ligament while the trio was driving to the ballpark. "Just a quick Teej—pop out the lig, pop in a tendon, no biggie. I'd do it myself, but I just had some ro-co [rotator-cuff surgery] last night and I can't move my arm. You can leave the car running, I'll be back in a minute tops." Prior will not be able to throw a baseball for 16 to 18 months.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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