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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Mark Prior Just Needs To Stop By Hospital For A Sec To Get Some T.J. Surgery

PEORIA, AZ—Padres pitcher Mark Prior informed teammates Monday that he just has to pop in to the hospital for "one quick sec" to have Tommy John connective tissue reconstruction surgery performed on his right arm. "Hey guys, can you pull over for a minute? My U.C. lig is just killing me and I gotta get a little T.J. before the game," Prior reportedly told fellow pitchers Jake Peavy and Chris Young after tearing his ulnar collateral ligament while the trio was driving to the ballpark. "Just a quick Teej—pop out the lig, pop in a tendon, no biggie. I'd do it myself, but I just had some ro-co [rotator-cuff surgery] last night and I can't move my arm. You can leave the car running, I'll be back in a minute tops." Prior will not be able to throw a baseball for 16 to 18 months.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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