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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football

NEW YORK—Unable to sleep after a stressful day, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly spent several hours last night lying in bed imagining how his life might have turned out if he hadn’t played professional football, sources confirmed Wednesday. “My life would be great if I weren’t a quarterback in the NFL,” the 26-year-old reportedly thought to himself, growing melancholy as he envisioned living in a nice little town surrounded by people who genuinely liked him. “I’d have a normal job and a boss I respect. I could make a mistake and only the people in the room would know about it. Strangers wouldn’t just shout at me on the street. Maybe I’d have a wife and a kid who would look up to me and be proud of me. Just to have one person in the world who believes I’m a hero—I think that would be enough.” According to sources, the last image in Sanchez’s mind before he fell asleep was of his imaginary family sitting side-by-side on the couch and rooting for Jets quarterback Geno Smith on the television.

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