adBlockCheck

Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football

NEW YORK—Unable to sleep after a stressful day, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly spent several hours last night lying in bed imagining how his life might have turned out if he hadn’t played professional football, sources confirmed Wednesday. “My life would be great if I weren’t a quarterback in the NFL,” the 26-year-old reportedly thought to himself, growing melancholy as he envisioned living in a nice little town surrounded by people who genuinely liked him. “I’d have a normal job and a boss I respect. I could make a mistake and only the people in the room would know about it. Strangers wouldn’t just shout at me on the street. Maybe I’d have a wife and a kid who would look up to me and be proud of me. Just to have one person in the world who believes I’m a hero—I think that would be enough.” According to sources, the last image in Sanchez’s mind before he fell asleep was of his imaginary family sitting side-by-side on the couch and rooting for Jets quarterback Geno Smith on the television.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close