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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football

NEW YORK—Unable to sleep after a stressful day, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly spent several hours last night lying in bed imagining how his life might have turned out if he hadn’t played professional football, sources confirmed Wednesday. “My life would be great if I weren’t a quarterback in the NFL,” the 26-year-old reportedly thought to himself, growing melancholy as he envisioned living in a nice little town surrounded by people who genuinely liked him. “I’d have a normal job and a boss I respect. I could make a mistake and only the people in the room would know about it. Strangers wouldn’t just shout at me on the street. Maybe I’d have a wife and a kid who would look up to me and be proud of me. Just to have one person in the world who believes I’m a hero—I think that would be enough.” According to sources, the last image in Sanchez’s mind before he fell asleep was of his imaginary family sitting side-by-side on the couch and rooting for Jets quarterback Geno Smith on the television.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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