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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football

NEW YORK—Unable to sleep after a stressful day, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly spent several hours last night lying in bed imagining how his life might have turned out if he hadn’t played professional football, sources confirmed Wednesday. “My life would be great if I weren’t a quarterback in the NFL,” the 26-year-old reportedly thought to himself, growing melancholy as he envisioned living in a nice little town surrounded by people who genuinely liked him. “I’d have a normal job and a boss I respect. I could make a mistake and only the people in the room would know about it. Strangers wouldn’t just shout at me on the street. Maybe I’d have a wife and a kid who would look up to me and be proud of me. Just to have one person in the world who believes I’m a hero—I think that would be enough.” According to sources, the last image in Sanchez’s mind before he fell asleep was of his imaginary family sitting side-by-side on the couch and rooting for Jets quarterback Geno Smith on the television.

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