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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow Warm Up By Throwing Ball In Direction Of One Another

NEW YORK—In an interview before today’s game against the San Francisco 49ers, Jets head coach Rex Ryan described how quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow's typically warm-up by throwing passes in each other's general direction. “Mark usually chucks a couple balls over Tim’s head, and then Tim throws a few that either fall way short or sail shakily out of bounds,” said Ryan, who explained that the exercise helps the quarterbacks settle into their comfort zones. “If they establish a rhythm in warmups and start getting the ball in approximately the right area, it really helps them avoid intentional grounding penalties on the incomplete passes they throw during the game when it counts.” At press time, Tebow and Sanchez were working on their agility by running to retrieve all the balls that had rolled under sideline benches.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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