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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Mark Zuckerberg Admits He Unsure Why Anyone Still Uses Facebook

MENLO PARK, CA—Saying it was mind-boggling that people continue to log on day after day, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted Monday that he was unsure why anyone still uses Facebook. “The fact that anyone still thinks it’s a good idea to have a Facebook account is a complete and utter mystery to me,” said Zuckerberg, adding that he simply could not fathom how “that awful, awful site” receives 2 billion monthly users despite being specifically designed for optimizing profit in a way entirely unrelated to any of their needs. “Maybe every once in a blue moon the algorithm will allow a somewhat relevant post from an acquaintance or even an actual friend to slip through, but for the most part, it’s all just sponsored post after sponsored post from some vendor that exploited users’ personal data to create chintzy hyper-targeted T-shirts. People think of Facebook as a single portal to pretty much all they want from the internet, but it’s really just an unending parade of glitchy autoplaying videos from pages they don’t subscribe to, all served up with some of the most miserable functionality in online history. I mean, why the fuck am I still in business?” Zuckerberg went on to say that he had often thought about deactivating his own account but couldn’t for the life of him figure out why he hadn’t followed through.

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