Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Market Evidently Capable Of Supporting More Than One Reality Show About Cake

CHICAGO—Though the stock market remains shaky and consumer spending has reached a standstill, the U.S. economy is apparently still robust enough to produce nearly half a dozen television shows about cake. "This flies in the face of basic economic theory," University of Chicago economist John Holloway said Friday, referring to such programs as Ace Of Cakes, Cake Boss, and Last Cake Standing. "Despite the worst recession in a generation, these shows somehow make enough money to pay for sets, celebrity hosts, producers, camera crews—not to mention the cakes themselves—all so people can see a dessert that looks like a Dr. Seuss character." Holloway made it clear, however, that no known mathematical model has yet been able to explain why in the hell anyone would watch those Real Housewives Of Whatever shows.

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