Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture

BATTLE CREEK, MI—Recent reports surfacing from within the Kellogg’s corporation suggest that the baked goods company’s marketing department labors under the apparent belief that the Keebler Elves are a beloved fixture in American popular culture. “Look, America loves, has always loved, and will always love Ernie Keebler, Fryer Tuck, Zoot, and the rest of the Keebler Elves, and so we have a responsibility—and I believe it is a sacred responsibility—to create marketing materials that appropriately honor and respect these deeply cherished characters,” said Kellogg’s Senior Vice President of Customer Marketing Darcey Macken, adding that for over 45 years the characters have been a mainstay of the American experience, as recognized and as treasured nationwide as apple pie, baseball, and Mickey Mouse. “And it is precisely because the Elves are such iconic figures that we must carefully vet each scenario we place them in to maintain continuity and, more importantly, to ensure that we are remaining faithful to the original, singularly winning personas that captured the country’s hearts and minds so many years ago. A love for the Elves is one of the first things Americans pass on to their children, and so for us it should be far less a burden than a great honor to preserve that legacy.” At press time, the Kellogg’s marketing department was drafting a request to the U.S. Postal Service to create a commemorative stamp featuring the Keebler Elves in front of their Hollow Tree Factory.

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