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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
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Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture

BATTLE CREEK, MI—Recent reports surfacing from within the Kellogg’s corporation suggest that the baked goods company’s marketing department labors under the apparent belief that the Keebler Elves are a beloved fixture in American popular culture. “Look, America loves, has always loved, and will always love Ernie Keebler, Fryer Tuck, Zoot, and the rest of the Keebler Elves, and so we have a responsibility—and I believe it is a sacred responsibility—to create marketing materials that appropriately honor and respect these deeply cherished characters,” said Kellogg’s Senior Vice President of Customer Marketing Darcey Macken, adding that for over 45 years the characters have been a mainstay of the American experience, as recognized and as treasured nationwide as apple pie, baseball, and Mickey Mouse. “And it is precisely because the Elves are such iconic figures that we must carefully vet each scenario we place them in to maintain continuity and, more importantly, to ensure that we are remaining faithful to the original, singularly winning personas that captured the country’s hearts and minds so many years ago. A love for the Elves is one of the first things Americans pass on to their children, and so for us it should be far less a burden than a great honor to preserve that legacy.” At press time, the Kellogg’s marketing department was drafting a request to the U.S. Postal Service to create a commemorative stamp featuring the Keebler Elves in front of their Hollow Tree Factory.

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