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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings

GERMANTOWN, MD—Scientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a map delineating and identifying the functions of each of the individual human heartstrings. "According to our research, 'father dancing with his daughter at her wedding' causes a strong desire to buy a digital camera," Human Heartstring Project team-leader Dr. Joseph Portman said. "A child playing in the grass with a litter of puppies, on the other hand, makes you crave a microwavable rice dish." Portman went on to explain that his research will allow advertisers to draw more and better inferences between image and product, pausing occasionally to hug his partner Dr. Daniel Wise and cry.
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