CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in ‘The Journal Of The American Medical Association’ found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side.
GERMANTOWN, MDScientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a map delineating and identifying the functions of each of the individual human heartstrings. "According to our research, 'father dancing with his daughter at her wedding' causes a strong desire to buy a digital camera," Human Heartstring Project team-leader Dr. Joseph Portman said. "A child playing in the grass with a litter of puppies, on the other hand, makes you crave a microwavable rice dish." Portman went on to explain that his research will allow advertisers to draw more and better inferences between image and product, pausing occasionally to hug his partner Dr. Daniel Wise and cry.