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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings

GERMANTOWN, MD—Scientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a map delineating and identifying the functions of each of the individual human heartstrings. "According to our research, 'father dancing with his daughter at her wedding' causes a strong desire to buy a digital camera," Human Heartstring Project team-leader Dr. Joseph Portman said. "A child playing in the grass with a litter of puppies, on the other hand, makes you crave a microwavable rice dish." Portman went on to explain that his research will allow advertisers to draw more and better inferences between image and product, pausing occasionally to hug his partner Dr. Daniel Wise and cry.

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