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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings

GERMANTOWN, MD—Scientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a map delineating and identifying the functions of each of the individual human heartstrings. "According to our research, 'father dancing with his daughter at her wedding' causes a strong desire to buy a digital camera," Human Heartstring Project team-leader Dr. Joseph Portman said. "A child playing in the grass with a litter of puppies, on the other hand, makes you crave a microwavable rice dish." Portman went on to explain that his research will allow advertisers to draw more and better inferences between image and product, pausing occasionally to hug his partner Dr. Daniel Wise and cry.
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