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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Marriage Counselor Encourages Woman To Take On Numerous Sexual Partners While Husband At Work

‘Let’s Just See How It Goes Before Sharing Grievances,’ Advises Relationship Expert

CHARLESTON, SC—Urging her new clients to at least consider her suggestion with an open mind, marriage counselor Taylor Hahn reportedly encouraged Karen McClaren on Friday to take on a wide range of sexual partners while her husband, Mark, is at work. “I know this is your first visit, but based on what you’ve shared so far, it seems like our initial step should be giving Karen the space and freedom to have sex with as many men as she wants while Mark’s away during the day,” said Hahn, who upon noticing Mark McClaren’s visible alarm reminded him that strengthening a marriage was a process and that they could easily change course in their second session if his wife’s enjoying a variety of lovers while he was at the office wasn’t achieving the desired result. “Obviously, we haven’t really dived in yet, but for starters, why don’t we just let Karen embark on a carnal odyssey of liaisons with friends, neighbors, and complete strangers from the internet? We can absolutely consider other options down the road if need be.” At press time, Hahn had modified her recommendation and proposed that Karen McClaren also have sex with other men while her husband was at home and sitting in an adjacent room.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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