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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Marriage Counselor Encourages Woman To Take On Numerous Sexual Partners While Husband At Work

‘Let’s Just See How It Goes Before Sharing Grievances,’ Advises Relationship Expert

CHARLESTON, SC—Urging her new clients to at least consider her suggestion with an open mind, marriage counselor Taylor Hahn reportedly encouraged Karen McClaren on Friday to take on a wide range of sexual partners while her husband, Mark, is at work. “I know this is your first visit, but based on what you’ve shared so far, it seems like our initial step should be giving Karen the space and freedom to have sex with as many men as she wants while Mark’s away during the day,” said Hahn, who upon noticing Mark McClaren’s visible alarm reminded him that strengthening a marriage was a process and that they could easily change course in their second session if his wife’s enjoying a variety of lovers while he was at the office wasn’t achieving the desired result. “Obviously, we haven’t really dived in yet, but for starters, why don’t we just let Karen embark on a carnal odyssey of liaisons with friends, neighbors, and complete strangers from the internet? We can absolutely consider other options down the road if need be.” At press time, Hahn had modified her recommendation and proposed that Karen McClaren also have sex with other men while her husband was at home and sitting in an adjacent room.

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