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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend. “A couple of days away are great, but I know that when Monday morning rolls around, it will just start up all over again,” said Zageris, 36, adding that his anxiety will likely return on Sunday, as he becomes preoccupied with the thought of heading back to his monogamous relationship of eight years the following day. “Time off always flies by, and before I know it, I’m clocking back in with my wife and have another long slog of marriage ahead of me.” At press time, Zageris was reportedly keeping his head down and hoping to power through the next 40 years or so.

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